I've been preoccupied with the wait for today's appointment, dreading it, but now that it's over I feel a sense of relief. I don't like confrontational situations, and I was very worried that I'd yell or cry - or some combination of both. But we all managed to stay on track and focus on the issue at hand: how to handle the situation, medically, from this point forward. Dr. Schmitz is willing to see me weekly and to carefully measure Arden bi-weekly to ensure that he continues to thrive. She explained to us that until the 24th week of pregnancy, there isn't really anything more that can be done to ensure his health & safely beyond what I'm doing (following a pretty careful diet and all the regular pregnancy precautions). After the 24th week, if necessary, bedrest or medication or other measures may be brought into the situation to help him reach full term. She checked my blood pressure and weight (unsurprisingly, I've lost several pounds since the last appointment)and checked Arden, mainly his heart and his movements, by ultrasound. Given the breadth and depth of the tests and measurements done on Friday, there was no point in re-doing everything.
Immediately after the appointment, both Niek and I felt a sense of release. After dreading the appointment and worrying about what may or may not happen, it was a relief to have it behind us. Now, however, we're feeling exhausted. Living from one big emotional wave to the next is draining. I'd like to say that I'm able to concentrate fully on the future, but that's just not where I'm at yet. I'm mourning the loss of a baby that had already become part of our family, at least in my heart & mind. I can't help but think about how I'll never be able to walk him or her to school or read a bedtime story or .... And of course we are worried that we may still lose Arden. But I'm trying, really hard, to focus on the gift of the time we do have together. We feel we're really getting to know him, even if it will be awhile before we (hopefully) meet face-to-face. I'd like to be able to simply be excited about the birth of a new baby, like I was with our other children, but I'm afraid to give in to that sort of unlimited optimistic thinking again. So it's a balancing act between caution & fear and hope & love.
21 comments:
I'm glad to hear that Arden is doing well and that the doctors are giving you good vibes about him. I have a good feeling about little Arden and will send my strongest positive vibes your way.
And oh how I know the bitter balancing act of caution and fear. It's the most natural thing in the world to be caught between wanting to believe and not wanting to get your hopes too high. Just remember being cautiously optimistic won't change the pain you will feel "IF" something were to happen. Throw caution to the wind be whole-heartedly optimistic because if you feel it I'll bet your baby will too. (((hugs)))
Our fellow bloggers are such wise people that I feel I have nothing to add to the above. This is just to let you know that I'm glad Arden is doing well, and I'm happy to hear that the doctors are doing everything to make you feel more comfortable. I can imagine your relief and your fears, and I'm sending big fat hugs your way.
I'm a few days late, but I want to pass along my condolences for your loss. I am so sorry for you and your family...I can't even begin to imagine how heartbreaking that must be.
Glad to hear Arden is doing well...hopefully he continues to do well and you'll have a healthy little guy to meet in a few months.
(((HUGS)))
I love what Kim said, especially the bit about being wholeheartedly optimistic. I'm still thinking of you and sending loads of good thoughts and hugs your way and I'm glad that today's appointment went well and that Arden is doing OK.
Much love to you {{{Barbara}}}
I'm so glad you feel some relief. I can't imagine what the last week has been like or how you feel now but I'm still thinking of you and sending 'grow strongly' vibes to little Arden. {{{hugs}}}
Today I felt your relief and new hope. It was so good to hear that Arden is doing well.
Take it one day at a time Barbara - grieve for Arden's twin and rejoice in Arden's growth within you.
Kim said it all so beautifully. Thank you Kim.
Love, Margaret
It's great you were able to see Arden and that you will be very often. It's already good you know the doctor is taking steps to ensure you you will have good medical care !!! Keep giving us news, even though you don't feel too well!!! ((((hugs))))
Big hugs to you and Niek and your boys. I was so sad to read of the loss of your acrobat. I know how hard it must be for you all.
I am thinking of you and hoping for a happy, healthy birth for Arden.
Be good to yourself.
More big hugs to you.
Barbara, I have had a heavy heart and a few tears for you this past week, knowing the pain you have been going through. I was unable to come up with anything comforting to say during this difficult time, but those of us who know you are praying for you and Arden and the rest of your family too. It's a truly difficult time and you mustn't feel guilty for the anger and grief, but allow these emotions to fully run the course so that you can heal emotionally. I too have experienced the loss of babies and I know that you will survive. You are strong and have a wonderful support in these blogging friends. Be comforted and take good care of yourself and the babe!
Love you,
Connie
Hang in there!
Kim says it all, beautifully!
That's all you can do is focus on Arden and keep the faith. Easier said than done, I do know, but you are such a strong person even when you feel at your lowest, you can muster up the strength needed for this little baby who needs you. I will continue to pray that all will be well.
Tanya
{{{{Barbara}}}} I'm so sorry to read about what's happened. I shall continue keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Barbara, I am glad to hear things are okay today. I am also glad to hear that they will monitor you weekly-hopefully that will give you a little peace of mind. I for one will be thinking positive thoughts! Healing from this will take time-so don't push or worry yourself about it so much. {{{hugs}}}
Dear Barbara I am so sorry to read about what you and your family have been through. Please take comfort in knowing that I am thinking of you. Take care of yourself and Niel, grieve together and draw strength from each other. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Joanne
My thoughts are with you all, Barbara. I would feel exactly the same as you -and I'm so sorry that this pregnancy cannot be full of harmony as all pregnancies should be (but few are...).
Sending you and Niek a big huge hug and comforthing thoughts.
Lili
I am so glad the your Dr. is willing to keep you and Arden under constant attention. I hope that it will keep some of the worry at bay. I too, agree with Kim- stay optimistic. So many people are rooting for you and Arden. Many Hugs.
Barbara,
I'm so sorry for your loss! It's so hard to go through something like this and even if you learn to live with your loss eventually you will always remember that little person.
Hopefully these next weeks will go ok and don't lose the hope. The only thing you can do at this point is to take care of yourself and it sounds like you are doing that. I've been playing the waiting until 24 weeks game with a couple of my kids and it's truly awful! But don't give up, it sounds like they are going to check on you a bit more from now on.
You take care of yourself now and don't give up hope!
Big hugs. I am sending my whole-hearted optimism to you and joining my thoughts and energy with yours. You are doing exactly what you need to do, and so is Arden. Please let me know if you need anything at all.
Oh I'm so sorry to read this! I'm a bit late and I didn't know at all that you have this other blog and I just found this and read everything. I'm so very sorry for you and your family! I have no words. Big hugs.
Just checking in to let you know I'm still thinking of you. The duality of the situation must be so confusing and difficult...big hugs.
I can only imagine how difficult this situation must be for you. But I want to tell you that a close friend of mine went through the same thing - 13 years ago, when they didn't have nearly the medical knowledge they have now. Her son was born in perfect health and is a fine, strong, healthy 13 yr old now. I will pray for you and Arden and your family.
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