We have Nicky with us at the hospital because we couldn't find anyone to pick him up after school and watch him till we got home. He's such a wild child, but his antics keep me amused and distracted during the long wait. Why are doctors never on time for their appointment? The waiting room is full of every sort of pregnant woman you can imagine, including the one opposite us who is wearing a micro skirt and showing us her undies. There are also a number of elderly ladies here who are obviously having other problems and I can't help but think of Aunt Hattie, which in turn makes me think of my own advanced years. I try to concentrate on Nicky and his stunts, which definately liven up the waiting room. Niek speaks to another couple and it amazes me, the way he can just talk to total strangers. It reminds me of Daddy. The other couple is very surprised, but then a sort of conversation ensues. Niek insults one of the doctors - who truly does look like a creepy pervert you'd call the cops on if you saw him around your kid - and I just know that's going to be their doctor. It is! But theý didn't seem to really get what he is saying and they go off in a good mood to Mr. Creepy Comb-Over. I'm glad I insisted on a female GYN even if it did mean waiting an extra week.
Finally we're called in by a teensy woman who seems more nervous than I am. Not a good sign. But she turns out to be some sort of student having an internship day. Our doctor is a robust, friendly, kind of loud woman. She makes fun of my Dutch, which goes down the wrong way, but we quickly get back on better footing. Lots of history to run through. Finally, when I swear I'll explode from the tension of waiting even one more second, we go into the exam room itself. She doesn't monkey around with a belly ultrasound, which we already know can be misleading early in a pregnancy, but goes straight for the 'inwendig' form. Not really a pleasurable experience, but at least you're getting an accurate view of what's going on in there. We immediately see a surprsingly large (I think it's surprsing anyway) baby pop up on the screen. It looks like a fishy reptile, it's still in that early fetus-form of development. I can't see the heartbeat. I convince myself there is no heartbeat. For an eternity, I'm convinced the baby is dead and I can't breathe or move or anything. "Not again!" I want to cry. But everyone around me comes back into focus and they're all smiling and looking happy ... I've had some sort of panic attack but I don't think anyone noticed. Now I'm worried that the fact that I literally wasn't breathing has hurt the baby, but I see it move and now of course I can see the heart beating - how did I not see it a moment ago? Everyone's happy. The baby is the right size, shape, everything. "But wait!" I interrrupt. "I know there is something going on that's different. Would you look for another one, please?" The doctor is laughing at me, not even trying to hide how silly she thinks I am. She must get these crazy pregnant ladies through here all the time saying wacked out stuff. She moves the magic wand a little bit and - yes! this time I'm the first to see it, I'm sure of it - there's another little sack. Another painful breath-holding experience - I've gone blind, I cannot read these crazy gray pictures anymore - and then she says, "Yes! There's another one and there's the heartbeat!" and suddenly everyone is laughing. The doctor can't believe there are twins - she gets all giddy and silly herself. The assistant has 3 1/2 year old twins and is excited for us. Niek and I seem quiet in the middle of all this noise, just looking at each other. It's one of those rare moments of complete comprehension, of oneness between two people. We knew, we say to each other with our eyes. We knew it all along.
My knees are so shaky I can't get out of the exam chair right away, but again, no one seems to really notice. I wobble over to get tidied up and head down for the blood tests. Niek's talking and laughing with the doctor and assistant. Nicky is dancing around all this expensive equipment and not breaking a thing. I'm ... somehwere else entirely. Is this for real? Am I being trusted not 'simply' with a new life to grow and nuture, but with two?? I feel so calm, so humble, so grateful. Is this what religion is like for people? Whatever it is, this sense of peace just flows over and through and around me.
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