June 21st, 2007: unscheduled visit to IJsselland

This week has been so hard - it was around this time we lost Pepper last year, and we never found out why. We didn't find anything out at that stupid appointment last week at the EMC. By Thursday, I can't stand it anymore and call the hospital. I explain my fears and the receptionist tells me to come in and they'll fit me in where they can in the morning hours. Rowen and I hop in the car and off we go; it's my first time driving to the hospital alone and I'm a little nervous about getting lost. Concentrating on the directions keeps my mind off doom scenarios. Rowen's great company, too.

We get to the hospital and they pass our file on. Rowen and I wait. And wait. She's brought all kinds of little animal toys with her and we play with them. They have parties, go for naps, take rides on the bigger animals. The other women in the waiting room watch us and one lady tries to play, too, but Rowen freezes her out. That girl has the force of personality for a world leader, I swear. Finally, after an hour of not going crazy with worry, a doctor calls my name and we go in. It's a man, but not a scary one. He checks my chart, I explain my worry, and he quickly sits me in the exam chair. The babies pop up on the screen right away, but I have that same blindness I had last time we were here and I can't see heartbeats. He can though, and very quickly says they're doing great. The monitor looks like nothing but grainy shades of gray to me, but his assistant agrees that everything looks great. I must still look pale or something because he slows down for a moment to explain that at this stage in my pregnancy, there is now less than a 1% chance of it going wrong. "Enjoy" he tells me. I promise I will try. I have to stop partway down the hall to call Niek, my legs are shaking so badly. We laugh with more than a little sound of tears in our voices, and I take Rowen out to McDonalds to celebrate.